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A friend and colleague was recently struck by a death in the family (his father). He never really spoke about it until a month or so after it had happened. The now deceased had a heart attack and they were not able to resuscitate him. The kicker here was that the person was right in front of him when it happened. They got up out of chair, and a few seconds later collapsed. He mentioned more than once that when he previously thought about death, the process always included this long lengthy period where you could say “goodybye.” The period could have ranged from illness for months/years, to a short couple minutes, but the period “normally” exists…

That really got me thinking about this concept. Living in a western setting death is often passed off as a distant thing. We constantly quote statistics to gage how we’re doing, that we should have X time left (statistically speaking). We watch movies and there are always these slow, dramatic deaths where people usually get a few words out before they die. Aside from that, when someone dies, things are dressed up as if they are still there. Open casket, visitation at the funereal home, long program, eulogy, etc. Add movies to the picture, and you get fairly (incorrect) fixed picture of how death works.

While I was in Saudi in July, one of my goals was to follow as many funereals as possible and assist with them. There are two main reasons for this:

1. There’s great reward/blessing religiously for praying for the dead, and then following and assisting with the burial.
2. Burials are done in a much more traditional sense. The dead is washed, wrapped in a simple white sheet, and buried.

I tried five times to assist with funerals while there. The problem is the mosque in Medinah is massive, and to follow the funereal you have to be near the front (they conduct the prayer for the dead, pick up the body and take off right away). Of the five times, I caught three and not a single one followed what a movie would show as a funereal. The first was a fetus that was over 120 days old (under Islamic law, after 120 days the soul enters the fetus and is given all rights thereafter). It was wrapped in the simple white cloth and then covered with a simple green sheet. We (there were maybe six of us who were assisting with the burial) took turns carrying the fetus to the burial site. Once we got there, one of the stewards of the grave yard, who dug up the plot that was going to be used, was waiting for us. He took the fetus, took it out of the green sheet (still wrapped in the white cloth) placed it in the enclave and then we all helped fill the plot with dirt. The next two also did not follow what you commonly refer to as your “typical” death.

The second was a father who was performing the lesser pilgrimage (Umrah) with a group from Pakistan. That time I was at the front of the people helping with the burial, and there were ~200 people or so this time. I stayed near the front, and helped carry the body most of the time (people take turns carry, handing off corners to someone else). When we got to the plot two Pakistani’s ,who were part of that group, were waiting in the grave to put the body in. After the body was set, they came out and we helped fill the grave. Later I found out younger man who was helping set the body in the grave was the son-in-law of the deceased. A younger male (probably 13-15) was crying uncontrollably during the entire burial, with an older man saying (in a very nice way) “enough (name), enough.” I gave my condolences to the group (about 50-80 people standing in line) and made my way back.

The third and final one I caught was women who was pregnant and looked almost to term (the only way to know that is from the shape – since it’s wrapped very loosely in the white sheet). This was a smaller group than the second, but larger than the first (~60 people). Again, a number of people took turns carrying the corners (the carriers are an open casket like platform that has 2X4s on each corner that can extend out ~3 feet or so). Again, two people other then the caretakers of the grave yard were waiting in the grave. This time, when they took the body, the spread the green sheet about 3 feet above the grave to give privacy in case the white sheet came loose. Once the body was in the plot and the two men out, we filled the grave. It was easy to figure out who the deceased’s kids were as they were unable to hold their emotions. When I was leaving, I discovered the husband of the deceased was one of the individuals who was in the hole, who then was standing above the plot staring down after he had just buried his deceased wife, silent… I offered my condolences to him and made my way back.

This was a real wake up call for me. We’re surrounded by death even in the USA (just look at the obituary section of any newspaper). What makes things different is in the US there’s such a detachment from death. The body is dressed up (clothes, formaldehyde, etc.) there’s lots of time to pay respects, nice long program, etc.. We are both distanced from the dead, and at the same time they are made to be like the living. What I experienced brought death in front of my very eyes, and I watched people bury those close to them all without any dressing.

More to come up this later.